new blog

i have a new one............. now the words really do come out.


goodbye to all,

When everyone lets me down,

thejansenface (9:15:53 PM): she is lovely
thejansenface (9:16:08 PM): she is beautiful
thejansenface (9:16:09 PM): she is smart
thejansenface (9:16:10 PM): she is small
thejansenface (9:16:12 PM): she is cute
thejansenface (9:16:20 PM): she is caring
thejansenface (9:16:20 PM): she is
thejansenface (9:16:23 PM): wonderful
thejansenface (9:16:31 PM): she is my everyyyything
thejansenface (9:16:34 PM): she is my only thing
thejansenface (9:16:40 PM): she's my girlfirend
thejansenface (9:16:46 PM): she is my bestfriend
thejansenface (9:16:48 PM): she is my wife
thejansenface (9:16:51 PM): she is my love
thejansenface (9:16:56 PM): she she she she is erikacamisse

He's the one picking up all the pieces.

In Your Essence

If I had to pick a day, where it felt like no one really cared. Then maybe today would of been one of many. Honestly, you could smile about everything and still have that weak sad feeling in your mind. Wondering, if your going to let them get to you. Or think about what's getting to you. Or just making yourself feel like they're not so important to even let them in your mind. But your an open door with no door. A big chunk of space that even Bob the Builder can't "fix it". Tell me when I mean something to your life. Actually, I hope actions speak louder than words. Because every day getting hit by words, hurt more than just being in the presence of familiars that leave when they think your better again.

I'm alone in this house, not mine. I've been here for two weeks in a half. Its started to become a house to me. Not a home, a house. Left over cookies, and chocolate milk. Comcast free videos, Loads of homework. And no one here telling you what you can and cannot do. I think this advantage, I'm going to take it responsibly. Take a warm hot shower. Clean a little. Wash a few dishes in the sink. Do some homework. And sleep when the sun rises and my eye lids start to close.

If eyes could talk, my eyelids would be shut.

Jansen Abellera

Today, I get the message of your tears falling and your heart sinking. It wasn't a good morning for you. And I wasn't helping at the beginning. But I just want you to know that I love you, and I promise to stay this time. I'm sorry that I did that in the first place, but things changed, and now it changes again. My mind. My mind is set on you. As well as my heart. "My heart is going to fall out of my head". Not tht my heart is in my head, but you need a little heart in everything. And I'm telling you things are going to get better. He's still in your life. And he still loves you as much as you love him, maybe even more. I've been there, still going through it. And now its you and me. I got you. I'm always going to be there. I'm always going to try my hardest to make you the happiest kid on the planet. Though my words aren't so deep, I hope they are at least comforting. Love letters, love letters that I send to you through this. And I'm telling you, everything is going to be more than okay. Your only fifteen, you have more things to go through more things to worry about. Life goes on. remember, and your life.. Well I'm always going to stay in it. I'm not going anywhere. I refuse to let go, and I refuse to let us go downhill. I love you Jansen. I love you more and more everyday. I wish you would smile. I wish you were getting better. I wish I can see you. I wish that Wednesday was a FOR SURE. I wish you were here. I wish I was near you. I just Wish... I love you Jansen, just because he's gone and they're separated doesn't mean they don't love eachother whatever you say. You think they don't, but deep down you know that they still do. Just like with me, no matter how much I tell you I hate you and I'm mad at you. You know I still love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you Jansen Camara Abellera. You're part of my family.

Instead of wishing, why don't you just do something about it.

What are you suppose to be?

Dang, if You don't know what I am stop asking questions already its getting old and i absolutely hate repeating myself. Call me a Zombie for crying out loud. Well my make up is prettty much yeah =/ Kristina you did a wonderful job. But I think it needs more than a few touch ups and this and that, I really cant stop looking at myself in my sunglasses. Its because my satisfaction of my make up do not go ftw. But we'll see tonight when Kristina really does her work, you guys so stop being so "harsh" on it a-d. But its okay, I like how he critizes to make it better, I can handle it. Cute is what we aim for, shirt, Size small. Not youth. Its the cutest shirt I own so far. Make because cute is already aimed for. This is definately a useless blog, but I'm in computer apps with twenty five minutes to spare. Bookmakrs and microtype completed. I have black make up on my finger tips from all the smudging and trying to fix it. I need my foundation =/ I need to find it when I go home. My hair is long, I'm going to keep my extensions. Well today is a very wonderful droll day, but later on tonight is when the "freaks" come out.

Last night, we finally talked since our "break". And it made everything so much better. I felt so much stronger, I told you how I felt and you continued to just tell me more. More, you do so much for me that sometimes I wonder if I can give you everything that you need. I'm telling you that I love you again. And it is true. I wonder if you believe me? Or if there's still "that girl" that your keeping that eye around everytimes she's near you. I know I tell you I hate her, I don't. I'm sorry. I overreact, It was my fault why I'm hurting. I put myself through all this pain for what, just to make myself cry even more. Only because, I wish I have you. I wish you were here. I wish that tonight, when we're under the stars once more. Your eyes meet mine, And your hand touches mine. That we get closer and keep on looking around and at eachother. The first time. The first time that connection sparked. Maybe it can happen again. Maybe, just maybe all hopes aren't crushed. I love you.

I wanna be your girlfriend for halloween.

Wake Up Calls,

Why do I start calling you constantly again? Why am I holding on to something that I let go? My mind is going through a selfish maze. I know that your always there for me. Hey, your my bestfriend. Just my bestfriend. I call you every hour, maybe because before when we were something we'd talk more than we could breathe. And now I sit here in this dusty computer that many students put germs all over, wondering... Friday. Will friday change us? Will friday make us better? Will we be something more than we use to be. Will your answer be the answer I've been looking for, or will the answer that I will regret soon haunt me. I know I'm being selfish. I know that I'm not even letting you talk about it at all. I know you've been sick lately. I know your going through a hard time. I'm sorry I can't be the "best" you want me right now. I'm sorry that I'm just so damn selfish. I want you here with me. I want you not because I need you, but because I've learned to love you. I've learned to love you for me, for you, for us. And I promise this time, it'll be different. I promise. The promise that will always stand, you are my sunshine, my sunset. The first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about before I close my eyes. Mine. I miss you.

I don't wear the pants in the relationship. You wear the left one, I wear the right.

Back in My Life.

I've been hearing alot of different perspectives, differen't lies, different everything. And yet I can't find the voice within the voice whispering me the right way. I can't find mine. I've made my choices, I've done my deeds. I've looked for the best. I prayed for the good. I stressed out the stress, and now I'm listening to the stir of echoes. I miss you more than you'll ever know. It was silly of me to let go. But it was more of a mistake to put you in front of everyone and everything. To where I didn't even matter anymore. We can tell ourselves we went to fast thats why we're gone so quickly, but it wasn't that at all. You give me reasons to believe in reasons. You've given me strength when I had nothing else. I've needed you more than ever these past days, and I didn't get the full you. I've told myself to hold on, onto something that was never going to be there. I look for the good in people, and down your soul I saw a reflection of greatness. I miss you. I miss every single thing about you. I miss how you would call me before and after school, I miss how you would run back to me everytime we said goodbye, I miss holding your hand, I miss hugging you and looking up. I miss your every breath down my neck. I miss re-telling eachother our story. I miss how when I'm with you, it was the only place i could call home. I miss you blowing into my ear. I miss you playing with my hair. I miss taking a million pictures that no one else has seen. I especially miss your voice, knowing you were always theres. I know, how could I let someone like you go. But, I was trying to do what was best for me for once. Especially, when right now isn't good. But these are the times when I really meed you. But even before we broke up, we still weren't as good as we use to be. And now, this break. How we're talking, i feel like we've gotten closer than we were before. I still need time. I'm sorry. I don't want to get back without resolving what hapepned in the first place. I'm home sick.

I'd really like to come home.