Flying.

Sweat, Thats the sign of hard work accomplished. Well we've been practicing for about a week in a half for the DBA Olypics yet we think we have everything finished we only have parts we don't have the whole dance. But you know what 09 & 10 we own it Friday. And thanks for picking Orange, now we have to have halloween a few weeks earlier. My mom is leaving soon, but for some reason i feel like she's not going anymore. Honestly, if she doesn't depart my whole "plans" are ruined. I know that its wrong to do things without her permission, but we're young we should live it up. I've been breaking out alot =/ Poor me, I know I seriously don't understand, then I get even more stressed. My grades are making everything worse. I am not stupid, I do try I do work. I try my hardest. Yet, I still don't get the material. I feel like this year just got really hard. I know I should be asking for help, but I've been so busy lately I can't even help myself. I don't even have time to breathe. I think having a boyfriend is taking up most of my time. I talk to him all the time, well as much as I can. Its not easy having a long distance relationship especially when I only get to see him once every week or every two weeks. Sometimes it can lead to months, but we hope it doesn't go that far. I'm walking through glass getting scars that won't seem to heal and its just getting more and more infected as I begin to walk this path. I'm seriously stressing, I can feel it hurt. I know this might sound "emo" but thats how it is. Thats how I feel. Sometimes, I know little things get to me my boyfriend hates how my ears listen to people always putting me down, yet I don't see it. I don't think that way anymore. If I could choose to be Numb, I would. But going that way, it just proves how not strong you are just seriously not feeling anything. Knowing you can take the easy way out. I'm not gonna break. I have people to help mend, today I love my bboys, my brothers, One Night Stand. I know that they're always there. Thanks, for the gift bros honestly sorry I take crap but I'm blessed that they're here. Words are in a ramble and my mind is seriously turning into a crack egg. I need to work harder, I just need to. After this week, I'm telling myself. Then Homecoming comes again =/ Oh man. I know that I should be happy like I get to spend it with my boyfriend, a night for us. Yet, I'm still iffy about even having one. Maybe, I'm just letting everything get to me. I don't want to lose someone whose been there, and has already seen me at my lowest but he hasn't seen me at my worse. I pray, that he doesn't see me at my worse right now. I can't let him take it, and I can't let myself put me at my worse. My smile is still there, my eyes are still big, my breaking skills are still legit, my talents are still alive. But my heart isn't healthy. My spirit isn't lifting, My faith is slowly dropping, My hopes are getting crushed, Flaking, has been a habit to me. Schedules has been screwing me over, I know I can't stop the bad things from happening, but I can sure not let them get to me. Its life, Life isn't so difficult, unless you make it. But I'm making mine so painful as I begin to fill my mind with lies and stress that shouldn't even matter to me. I wish flying, was something that could happen. I wish flying without airplane wings, flying without jet wings, flying without wings, just soaring. I know this is pretty fruitcaked, but I wish I could fly. I would fly to see my dad, fly to see the stars, fly to go on the mountains, fly to the love of my life. That was pretty random. And so is everything else that's been happening. I just don't think anyone will understand. And I can't make them, I can't get mad cuz they can't give me the answers. But, I look up the sky, and
the sky still and always looks down at me. I guess, I can fly when I'm with him. I haven't loss faith entirely, I've just been lost.


You have those sour patch days, but your gifted with people to make them go away.

Sunday Morning

This morning, woke up to Jansen's call back calls. I don't know the more we talk about it, the more its like we're better we believe we're stronger. But it doesn't stay in my head. It goes away slowly and slowly. its like breaking up is one step away. Though, I cannot take things so personal I can't always believe that everytime something is wrong breaking up is just the simple answer. Breaking up is just the easy way out. And I don't want to get out. I do want to be with him. The more and more I talk to him the lesser I feel like everythings going downhill. But then afterwards it gives me that heated feeling like its just gonna go downhill once more. Here I lay on my bed wondering when my mom will finally get ready to go. Wondering when "it" will leave my mom once more. Waiting, until my hair dries for something to be done. Listening to my blogspot playlist. Every second wasted just wondering, waiting, thinking. When I could be doing something, like la tarea. Boy, does my Spanish skills suck. And so does my grades. Yet my mom does not know. I guess driving in October is a no on on a count of my poor grades. Hopefully, I dont leave the year with low ass grades to make me go to summer school or something =/ that would definately ruin me. So much worrying and stress. I wonder where it goes when I don't think about it again. It goes to the back of my head, until it comes up again. 12:08, Need to read before we depart. Blue Skinnies, Black Sandals, White V-Neck, Red Ring, IDs & Keys, Teal Bag. I leave.



I've became more quietier than usual, I think its better that way.

Sick Call

Today, I had work and surprisingly I didn't flake or call in sick. My body told me, but my mind said no. So I woke up and got read for work. The usual brush, floss, rinse, wash, dress, tie, slip, clips, walk, out, drive routine. I was quiet in the car, I usually talk to my uncle about my daily life or my mom's & "its" whereabouts. But today, I just listening to Nsync's Tape on the road. Didn't bother to change it, I didn't mind. I just waited until we reached the entrance. I was bitting my nails hoping I won't get caught again wearing the wrong pants because that security guy was there. My mind was losing it, as I walked past Post 4. I wanted to just turn back and drive home. But I had to keep going. I called my love, he was awake. He didn't call me that night, but I didn't trip he was tired as so was I. He kept me company as I struggled to take my steps. I reached work, wondering who was opening as a manager. It was Victor, and lucky me it was his first time Opening. He's lucky I know how the "leadmanage" works. But he got it under control. I was still on the phone with Jansen, I was so heated with him telling him I was unsure again. Like I know I always pull that crap but only because I'm not sure. I'm not sure if its going to work out actually. Like I was so upset that I went all the way to his school and he just left me. Practically just left me. yet I know I was still there, its just I thought we'd get to spend more time together, like I came to see him. I guess bad timing sucks penis. Well, I hate those phone calls in the morning wondering whose going to be on the other line. And there it goes, Jose Manager. "Send Erika to demon". Lataina, you seriously screwed me and Victor over today, but its okay its okay you were sick, "Sureeeeeeeee". So me and Victor set up Demon less than 30 minutes. It usually takes me the whole morning, good thing, I made Victor do all the hard crap. There I was "trying to read", eating, drinking, texting, and watching as guests came by. It was something "awareness" today. Learned how to use, pointing, and silence and some sign language ftw. It was pretty intense but it was a great experience. I didn't get a break or anything until 1 :30. 1:32 hit, I got to go back to my store. Even though it was lunch, I just slept in my stroller behind the store. It felt like I slept for hours though I woke up in half an hour to my Co worker, Lead & Manager's faces. Asking me if I was okay. I lied. Apparently, I love work more than I show it. So I got my ten minute break right after, I hit the stroller again. Tried calling my babe once more, he didn't pick up, as usual. Went back to work, did absolutely nothing, besides walking around, wrapping apples, watching mixed element, eating, drinking, being on Manger's Register, a few times, and just chilling in the back having our talks with Victoria & Victor. Work was pretty easy today, Thanks to Seestar, Shea, Mekay,Gabe & Boyfriend for keeping me company the entire time. Texting is really a new upgrade to socializing. Went home, waited for my mom & "it". Got home, went upstairs. Changed clothes, went on the computer trying to fix this blog and its not that hard actually.

My mind is filled with lies as I slowly begin to stop believeing in you. Everyday its an emotional rollercoaster as you make me sad, then happy, then teary eyes and then smile? I just don't get it. Its gotten hard, Even harder. I think its my fault. It is my fault. I fell too hard, My mind is going insane. I've became more stronger than ever. Yet I still feel I can break at any second.


I bend, not break.

Hello EVHS !

I held up a sign. Just for you to see, that it was me. Today my heart was racing at every period. I was stressing every second of what you were doing. I was texting, calling, and praying to God that you'd stay at your school. The clock struck 2:56, I ran out of 6th period Spanish. I went to my locker. My friend Richard, distracted me with his questions asking "Where you going"x3. I fast walked to my favorite senior's car and it took me a while to find it. I took so many turns I swear I was going in circles. But eventually he found me, then we speeedraced to Evergreen. We got lost along the way, poor Marcel. I wonder how he finds his underwear in the morning, JK, but he had no sense of direction that my tone increased. But then, we eventually when the right way. It took two U-turns just to get to EV, and i see marcel waving his hands. I give him the biggest hug first, because he deserves it he was the key guy to this plan. Then I see Elliott, My bestfriend. boy did I miss him. His adorable smile, and his sweat went everywhere but it was worth it. Then Awww, there came Vy Mai. She's still the cutest I last her, and I promised her that the next time I see her won't be three years from now so I won that bet. Then a guy, named Tim came. Lucky, he brought me to Jansen. Though I was alone. I looked like a short girl carrying a poster bigger than her. I stood on some big thing, and waited holding the sign up to my eyes. I see a mohawk, white shirt, tight jeans, half-cab guy come out. My boyfriend. He tries to read the sign, too bad it was in highlight so he couldn't read it. But he saw his jacket, and knew it was me. He walked closer and closer. Unfortunately I didn't get a hug. Then thats when it all went bad. Sure, he was happy to see me but actions speak more than words and it felt likt I was unwanted un needed. I swear my eyes were getting watery. I went through alot just see him, just to make him smile. And it was worth it. Even if I didn't get the best reaction or whatever at least through out the hour and a half we spent together, it was worth something. My boyfriend, he was absolutely cute when he was dancing, though his face was pretty weird? Looked like it was Botoxicatd. i dont know. Sure we did the girlfriend boyfriend thing, kissed, hugged, spent time, looked cute. His very cute friends came and gave me hugs, introduced i didn't feel scared. I was just really shy. I sat out most of this game, next to his backpack or next to some window, hoping that no one swings the door or I'll get hit. 5:30 came, My FS was going to pick me up. I was upset, that it wasn't what I was really hoping for. Jansen, left me most of the time. But as long as he was happy, then I didn't want it to go away. As long as he was happy. So he waited with me and opened the door. HandShaked my F S and gave us some safe words and closed the door hard. I didn't look back, or at the window. I was to upset to watch him walk away, knowing I hate saying Goodbye. Then me and FS went to in n out. Ordered usual cheeseburger without onions. He order double double without tomatoes, he is very allergic. We had our talk.I finished my burger pretty quick in the car. Then I was off home. Mom was home, so was "it". Didn't talk to my mom or smiled. Just went upstairs took a nap. Woke up, talked to Katap, then packed as quickly as possible. My mom bitched, because I wasn't fast enough. I guess I was still tired. Went to aunts house, I felt really sick so I layed down as my boyfriend texted me asking me if I'm feeling okay, telling me the usuals, and his everyday I love yous. Now I'm currently at my cousins house, Pines. I have work tomorrow at 9am. Today, I assumed it was my worst day ever. It became one of the days to remember. Until I see you again Evergreen Highschool.





"I Love You!"