What are you suppose to be?

Dang, if You don't know what I am stop asking questions already its getting old and i absolutely hate repeating myself. Call me a Zombie for crying out loud. Well my make up is prettty much yeah =/ Kristina you did a wonderful job. But I think it needs more than a few touch ups and this and that, I really cant stop looking at myself in my sunglasses. Its because my satisfaction of my make up do not go ftw. But we'll see tonight when Kristina really does her work, you guys so stop being so "harsh" on it a-d. But its okay, I like how he critizes to make it better, I can handle it. Cute is what we aim for, shirt, Size small. Not youth. Its the cutest shirt I own so far. Make because cute is already aimed for. This is definately a useless blog, but I'm in computer apps with twenty five minutes to spare. Bookmakrs and microtype completed. I have black make up on my finger tips from all the smudging and trying to fix it. I need my foundation =/ I need to find it when I go home. My hair is long, I'm going to keep my extensions. Well today is a very wonderful droll day, but later on tonight is when the "freaks" come out.

Last night, we finally talked since our "break". And it made everything so much better. I felt so much stronger, I told you how I felt and you continued to just tell me more. More, you do so much for me that sometimes I wonder if I can give you everything that you need. I'm telling you that I love you again. And it is true. I wonder if you believe me? Or if there's still "that girl" that your keeping that eye around everytimes she's near you. I know I tell you I hate her, I don't. I'm sorry. I overreact, It was my fault why I'm hurting. I put myself through all this pain for what, just to make myself cry even more. Only because, I wish I have you. I wish you were here. I wish that tonight, when we're under the stars once more. Your eyes meet mine, And your hand touches mine. That we get closer and keep on looking around and at eachother. The first time. The first time that connection sparked. Maybe it can happen again. Maybe, just maybe all hopes aren't crushed. I love you.

I wanna be your girlfriend for halloween.

Wake Up Calls,

Why do I start calling you constantly again? Why am I holding on to something that I let go? My mind is going through a selfish maze. I know that your always there for me. Hey, your my bestfriend. Just my bestfriend. I call you every hour, maybe because before when we were something we'd talk more than we could breathe. And now I sit here in this dusty computer that many students put germs all over, wondering... Friday. Will friday change us? Will friday make us better? Will we be something more than we use to be. Will your answer be the answer I've been looking for, or will the answer that I will regret soon haunt me. I know I'm being selfish. I know that I'm not even letting you talk about it at all. I know you've been sick lately. I know your going through a hard time. I'm sorry I can't be the "best" you want me right now. I'm sorry that I'm just so damn selfish. I want you here with me. I want you not because I need you, but because I've learned to love you. I've learned to love you for me, for you, for us. And I promise this time, it'll be different. I promise. The promise that will always stand, you are my sunshine, my sunset. The first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about before I close my eyes. Mine. I miss you.

I don't wear the pants in the relationship. You wear the left one, I wear the right.

Back in My Life.

I've been hearing alot of different perspectives, differen't lies, different everything. And yet I can't find the voice within the voice whispering me the right way. I can't find mine. I've made my choices, I've done my deeds. I've looked for the best. I prayed for the good. I stressed out the stress, and now I'm listening to the stir of echoes. I miss you more than you'll ever know. It was silly of me to let go. But it was more of a mistake to put you in front of everyone and everything. To where I didn't even matter anymore. We can tell ourselves we went to fast thats why we're gone so quickly, but it wasn't that at all. You give me reasons to believe in reasons. You've given me strength when I had nothing else. I've needed you more than ever these past days, and I didn't get the full you. I've told myself to hold on, onto something that was never going to be there. I look for the good in people, and down your soul I saw a reflection of greatness. I miss you. I miss every single thing about you. I miss how you would call me before and after school, I miss how you would run back to me everytime we said goodbye, I miss holding your hand, I miss hugging you and looking up. I miss your every breath down my neck. I miss re-telling eachother our story. I miss how when I'm with you, it was the only place i could call home. I miss you blowing into my ear. I miss you playing with my hair. I miss taking a million pictures that no one else has seen. I especially miss your voice, knowing you were always theres. I know, how could I let someone like you go. But, I was trying to do what was best for me for once. Especially, when right now isn't good. But these are the times when I really meed you. But even before we broke up, we still weren't as good as we use to be. And now, this break. How we're talking, i feel like we've gotten closer than we were before. I still need time. I'm sorry. I don't want to get back without resolving what hapepned in the first place. I'm home sick.

I'd really like to come home.

It was a Mistake,

a mistake well known. I haven't quite figured out my life yet, so I took it out on the only person who i knew I was going to spend my whole life with. And now, I can't forgive myself just like that to get back.

Friday, Oct. 17. It was homecoming game. It wasn't even that cold that everyone tells you to wear something warm. The love of my life came again. All the things he does for me, I can never repay him. He spends so much cha-ching on me. Just to see me constantly. Camera-whoreing at the game was wonderful. Us Sophomores, we're not cheaters we're just spirited don't hate. Saw everyone who I met, nice meeting everyone once again. It was the hugs, and all the clothes I've recieved. And a new accessory to my life, his teal beanie, ftw.

Saturday, Oct. 18. Homecoming dance, it was my first dance and boy was I excited. Though lots of things didn't plan out the way it was suppose to be, but at the end of the night it was better. So my boyfriend came around eleven in the morning. We talked, and laughed and gave him a tour of my house. We watched movies, ate rocky road, and laughed at my old videos from last year. Then francis came, me cut his hair. I cut jansen's hair too. Wow. Then i took a shower, while he tried out his stuff. Later on, we got ready. Then the love couple in blue, Jonathan and Amery arrived. Boy does my mom love jonathan. We went to the dance, and it was freeeeeezing cold. Took so many pictures, thanks Kevin Miranda and Francis Cuanan for the photographers for the night. The group picure led to thirty eight heads, and we were very colorful. Dancing, Migrating, freaking, getting caught, pictures, stars, singing, smiling, wishing, holding, hugging, loving. The music wasn't so great but the people were. Denny's afterwards. My boyfriend left early =/ but it was okay. We spent the whole day together.

Now, where everything falls. yesterday I wasn't feeling well. I was feeling like shit. and today, i feel even more of a jerk than i've already been to you. My heart stopped dropped, and disapppeared all at once today. I said Goodbye, I said no more, I said i was done. I didn't know what I was saying, but my mind just kept on going. I wanted to take it back but how can i. Then all these feelings rushed through my mind, and it hurt. it hurt hearing you. Hearing you careless voice, hearing that what fight. What fight are you proposing when I don't see you fighting for anything. You still let me do it. So i did. And i went to sleep with tears flooding my eyes. Woke up with a pool of water on my pillow from where my eyes and the frabic met. I thought to myself wow i broke up with the only thing keeping me better. keeping me happy. Maybe this is for the best. I'm still, thinking. I still need to wait. I do not know. I'm still in love.

To Jansen,
I'm such a handful, i'm selfish and i'm a mouthful of crap. I give no desire to hurt you anymore. You do so much for me. More than I deserve. Your my heart, my voice, my smile, more things. You were the skin beneath my skin. And someone who never let me down. I know i always need you. I know you cant always be with me. And it hurts me more, my selfishness. i still can't be independent. Always depending on you to be there for me. Always depending for you to make my day. And now, i lost you all at one breath. I know I want you too andI need you to. But deep down, i think this is best for us right now. I just need time. I still.... love you. I take naps during the afternoon now, so I don't have to see the sunset....

I still promise.

All of you,

Every single day, I have to cause a big scene with you because my selfishness gets the best out of me. Trying to hold back tears everyday because the only thing I want can't even been with me as much as I wish I want him to. Trying our best to front like everything is okay. Always being in love, asking questions having doubts. Or in this case just me. You aren't just a piece of furniture in my house. You are my house. I call you my home. I know I do things that make you want to scream. I know I've hurt you more than just a dozen times. I know my anger gets out of control. I know I'm not the best girlfriend I've bragged to be. I'm sorry for all the things I've said without thinking. I'm sorry for all the selfish lines that touch my lips. I'm sorry for all the doubts that stress my mind. And most of all, I'm sorry for always trying to make you do things, that you are forced to do because you know you love me. And I know I love you too. Everyday, I know I try to make the best of it. Everytime I see you, time flys by so fast. My heart starts to beat faster and slower then it just stops. For us, Love brings us miracles that everyday our surprise visits makes us stronger and stronger everyday. That, I'm not scared to tell the world I love you. I'm not ashamed to fall in love at Fifteen. When people hear that we "in love", all the support fades and its just us in the end. I know what we have will grow into something we both didn't expect. I miss you so much, that reality to me is just waiting for it to go by. But I want to live my life. I guess I had to separate you and my life, and now today I've realized You have always been in my life, part of my life, my life. You've given me a love that I know we both could define. You've given me faith, to never give up on us and to know we can go through it. Everyday, everyday I just want to break up with you because the distance kills me. Yet when I'm about to say it, its like I've realized theres no point. We're just gonna get better again. All the fighting, all the mishalfs, all the silence. I don't want it anymore. I know it makes us stronger, but we're so young. We're so young and we're in love. And today, watching The Notebook, I've realized I want to spend every second happy and in love with you while we can. Because I know that we want to spend maybe the rest of our lives with just eachother. We don't know that yet. Maybe you do, but I don't. I don't know whats going to happen. And I'm not in a rush to find out. I want to take it slow. not "it", but our love. For it to grow. To grow not something better or stronger, but to grow into us. I know what I want, I tell you I want what I have. And I have you. To the world, I don't need anyone else, I dont want anyone else. There is no anyone else. I've found him. Jansen Camara Abellera, and Im positive. Contradict me, tell me I'm wrong, No. Your wrong. I love you Jansen Camara Abellera, with all my heart and soul and so much more. My left, my right, my air, my smile, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my faith, my eyes, my promise, my sunsetsetsetset, my peeekachu, my sweetheart, so much more. So much more. And you, your everything that makes me a better person. Your my Yang. Your my shootingstar, who I've been wishing on for so long. And now I've realized, the only thing I should be wishing is for me to meet you in the stars. I love you Jansen, always.

I don't want half of you, part of you, I want all of you.

24 hours together.

Yesterday, My plan was a success. I got to spend the whole day with my boyfriend. From the time we closed our eyes to sleep and the morning we opened them. I went to his school, waited for him and them to finish practice. It was fun, until the whole "camera" incident. I honestly didn't know it was in my bag, My Bad Vincent. But that was so horrible, I wish I wasn't so sensitive. Jansen, Elliott, Meagan, Emmeline, Christian, Nikko and I went to Burrito, to eat. I swear jansen, you wait on me hand and foot and I don't need that, I don't need you"whipped". Marcel came, my smile grew I miss him, my bro. Marcel and I went for a quest to talk about how life's been treating us and everything, Emmeline came we were at this aisle for a very long time "deciding". Then we met up with the rest at some fountain. Here is when Gay, Lesbian & Straight kisses come. Gay= Marcel and Jansen Kissed TWICE. Lesbian= Me and Emmeline & Me and Meagan. Straight= Elliott & Meagan. Wonderful. We record it, hopefully my boyfriend (thefimface) on youtube posts it. We went back, me and Jansen had that small "space" fight/talk. All i could do was yell to the top of my lungs, I NEED MY SPACE. But then when I said that, I felt like I get that everyday, the fact that I needed it because of how he was treating me felt like something was so wrong. So we went the lake, and we stayed there talking. Talking about how we felt, tears dropped from each of us. Frowns slowly appeared. But when I calmed down, his smile came up. Frown faded, and we were better again. We walked to Christian's house to meet up with the rest, and we all just ended up dancing upstairs. Bgirl. We walked Meagan and Emmeline to meagan's house, and we chilled there for a while. her house is the nicest house I've ever seen so far. So we all chilled then curfew came up so Christian, Me, Jansen, Elliott and Marcel departed. I got Msquared Eto the fourth. (= its crazy. Marcel, Elliott,Erika. And then that night. Meagan, Emmeline, Erika. Love Love Love it. Well after that we were mission impossible going to Jansen's house. Sneaked in his house, and settled in. Borrowed clothes, and we all went to the living room. Watched Fun with Dick and jane, started falling asleep.

So jansen took me to his room, we talked and looked at our pictures, few kisses goodnight, and slept. At times we would wake up to knocks from Elliott or Marcel and we'd end up talking and sleeping again. We watched the stars as we started closing our eyes to sleep again. We went back to the living room. Figured it would be safer to sleep with Elliott, marcel and Christian since Elliott and marcel could hide me. So we did that, Jas & Mon came. I swear I was dying under blankets and pillows. But they left. So jansen and I went back to his room and talked about how bad it sucks that we're far. We slept again. Then we woke up, went back to the living room slept there. Tried eating Rocky Road but it was too cold. So we moved to the other living room. We talked, and ate Rocky Road. My favorite icecream (= Funny how that was the only icecream in his Frigerator. We slept in that living room for a while then we went back to the other living room with the guys. I kept moving Elliott's hands across his face and poking him, Jansen got mad. We ended up falling asleep next to elliott's head behind the couch. Woke up to the pots and pans of Jansen's Dad cooking. His dad left around eightish. Jansen and I woke up to Elliott's EEECHAAAN call, so we went to Jansen's room and slept more. Woke up, and played guitar hero/ brawl all morning. But Jansen cooked me food, and we walked up to "the deck" of his house. and we saw the view from his house. Beautiful. We talked, praised, I yelled I love Jansen =x got introuble from Jansen, said I was too loud? oh wells. Well we talked, kissed a few times, and just tried to keep eachother warm from the cold. We walked down again, and we all just chilled in the living room. Jansen and I went back to his room, told me to pick out all the shirts i wanted cuz he was giving it to me. but I rejected it, thats too much already 'm not asking for material crap. So I fell asleep next to him, and he told me he'll be back. So I slept for ten minutes, then he came back, carried me to the living room so i could sleep there with everyone. Woke up to them screaming to dumb scary movies. Pussys. Then we all got ready and left around 12ish. I ddn't have a ride home, so Jansen took the bus with me home. It was fun, new experience. He slept during the bus ride. i guess him watching me all night, making surenothing happened took alot out of him. So i watched him sleep, making sure no one bothered him. We walked to the Pine's park. And layed on the grass talking about the "past". Mistakes, eachother, other people, us, friends, life, family, just about everything. Then we went to the park, we talked in the slide kissed alittle and just talked. It was already four, so he walked me to my cousins, but i walked him half way to GreatMall. Took awhile to say goodbye again =/ He already knows, "your crying huh". Yeah. I was. It still sucks, but its getting easier. As he tells me, he'll see me this week friday & saturday. We spent 24 hours together. A full 24. I love you Jansen.

I love you because...

Today's the Day.

I wish my internet was working, I wish DSL/SBC in my house wasn't down. I wish I could of blogged abou the past wonderful days of my life. This week has been the best week God could ever grant me. Monday, it was okay. Tuesday, a surprise visit to my boyfriend. He was happy, he was shocked he's the love of my life. I was so happy. Spent the time talking to his girls, I love them. We went for a walk, and we scootered to the Lake. We took a long time, because we had a talk. Just a talk. Honestly you guys, we don't do that crap. We don't need those "stuff". I just need him, he loves me. And we're here staying stronger and our highest. Wednesday, It was our one month anniversary. Already (= Yes already, and it was perfect. Though he took a long time, we were still here. We have our cute pictures that I should probably upload but computer no esta worka. hahah. Well Thursday, long talks. Now me and him are so customed just to call eachother nonstop. In love. I love him. We've been happy, we've been strong. We've been getting along. I've realized how much I truly love him. And how much everday its hard. i miss him. I miss him so much. I know that as long as we have love then its okay, but I wish I could see him every single day. Its not the same sleeping on the phone, when we could just sleep next to eachother. Its not the same waking up to your phone calls, when I could wake up to your face. Its not the same to go to school and get a call, when I could just give you a hug. Its not the "same". But if thats the only thing we have then I accept it, I'm ready I'm okay with it. My smile, his smile. Thats all that matters. I miss him, and I'm happy.

Today, I can't wait to race out of Spanish class, I just can't wait. My heart is beating faster and faster, My smile is permant. I really miss him. I really miss him. The sleep over, the stars, the talking, the feelings, the love, Us.

Your the reason why I belive in reasons.

Surprise Visit

Afterschool, my heart raced. My stomach was turning. My smile was cemented on. And my mind was stressfree. I went to my locker, not in a hurry, I had a good pace. Threw my Spanish stuff in there, and walked to the table. Gave a few hugs, hellos along the way and sat at the table. I was hyper, I was excited. I was laughing at Michelle Nguyen's British Accent (She's Good). My brother called, *almost here. My heart pounded. I felt relieved. I wanted to yell. I told my friends where I was going. They're response*Awwwww. I walked back to the front alone. Heard my name in a british accent I looked around. Michelle Nguyen, again she is pretty good. I waited for his car to come up with Jerry and Kevin. Got in the car, and had our talks as usual. My brother Maynard, he's the best guy you'd ever meet honestly he's there. He's always there no matter where you at, no matter what the reason is. No matter what. He's that N M W person. He's my brother. Especially with our Sister/Brother bracelet I never take off on the right side of my wrist. We reached EVHS. he met my boyfriend, Maynard left to Oakridge and to find a watch. So I could of just came home at any time. But I wanted to get home before 7pm. So I spent the whole time with my boyfriend. His friends. His freshmen friends. His sophomores. Megan (= Megan, my Girlfriend. I wonder why I'm the Penis in this relationship. Well i have been told, that If i was a guy I'd be a great boyfriend? Now I wonder if that was an insult or a good thing? Amanda, she finally arrived my smile reached its max ! I love that girl (= Jansen's bestfriend. Its wonderful. She ate peanutbutter, its okay. My allergic reaction doesn't form to that. I spent most of my time with my boyfriend, being a couple. Hugging, secret kisses, weird fights, slapping, wrestling, we're an abusive couple. And I love it (= Elliott, that guy my bestfriend he's a wonderful guy. My boyfriend took me to a lake. We took awhile but only because our talks are soo deep, you can't just let it go. I loved that. It was fun. `wink`. We scootered back. I beat him. We slowed down as we got to his campus. He had to finish dancing. He told his girls to hang out with me. Cathy, Misha, and Amanda. They did. We laughed, we talked they're extremely cute. Friday, Everyone is waiting for Friday. I'm anxious and Praying everything goes fine that day. I left. I gave last hugs, to Misha, Cathy, Amanda, Tim, Megan, Elliott, I forgot (I forgot her name) but yeah =x, and Last my boyfriend. Out of place some guy thought I wasn't Jansen's girlfriend so he said kiss her. What does kissing have to do with a relationship honestly ! But we kissed anyway, just to make Jansen get his I told you so of the moment. Well I got to drive a turn and curve home (= And it was stick shift Penis ! It took me a while to ease off and go but I was pretty good, Maynard said I get to practice more. Went home, aunt was here talked laughed entertained mom was pretty disappointed on hearing my "crush" for Jansen. She was just mad, but she's over it. Went to my room. Slept. Woke up, And now About to eat, phone and sleep once more. Good Night Blog, I love you Jansen.
I love you Bro, Maynard (=


Babe Look !

Privet !

In computer Apps we have some Russian Teacher. Telling us only youtube if its about Napoleon. Well, we disobeyed her right away. First period, "Silence". Second Period, "Leaked". Third Period, "Fire Works". Fourth Period,"RussianSpy." I still love my blueberry Muffins, every single day. Its worth the 75cents.

Today, My plan was for my boyfriend to come and visit me. Hopes crushed one more time. Eyes dry, I was okay about it. Tomorrow, our one month. "Already". Yeah, I"m really excited. I have surprises hoping I either get to give it to you tomorrow or maybe Thursday if I visit with Ramzi. We haven't talkin on the phone at night. Sometimes it irritates me, because I know I want to talk to you. I know I want to just sleep on the phone. But I'm respecting what you want. What you need. And you need some sleep. So I make a fuss, but you just end up saying I love you and me being the one to hang up. I go to sleep mad, then I wake up looking for my phone and pressing speed dial "8" and the green button. Waiting until you say "Hello". My voice comes at ease, and I say hello babe I love you. "I love you". I say that to you everyday. " I miss you". I know in my mind when I go to school I won't be able to see your face. My hopes once again, crushed. Then you call. It was foggy this morning. We both didn't have jackets. Must be a sign for a long hug (= Then the classes starts, and I have to say good-bye. I really miss you. I miss you soo much. I ask for too much. I truly love you, and I don't need anything but you. If I'm asking for soo much, I wonder where you went?

I have everything you've given me, but where are you?

Blow out the Candle

Wtf, is your problem. I'm happy and all you do is crush it. Its awkward seeing you because its like some battle that you have to "win". I didn't know we were in a competition? I didn't even know our friendship was like. All of a sudden change. Summer didnt really make it bright as we were? I'm stressing and all your doing is fussing. I'm trying, when all your doing is making it worse. I can't keep a friendship like this. I pray, and hope it gets better. I hate losing a friend. But if a "bestfriend" is what I am to you. Then why don't you treat me like one, instead of looking straight at me and saying you don't see me at all.

We promised we'd be on the same level.

Worth the Fight

This morning was the hardest morning I've ever had. There was nothing else I wanted, nothing else I cared about but you. Here you were just letting me let go, letting me say good-bye. And you just sitting there quietly listening like I was just some echo that when through your left ear and out the right. I felt like I was silenced one more time. My words began to speak for itself. "I think we should just be friends." My heart sank, I wish I could take it back. You already responded. My mind was going crazy. My tone raised up. I couldn't let this feeling go no longer, so I continued on my lies of not needing you. I began to say things I didn't mean. Then it let do our break up. My tears began to fall. I knew it was my fault. Yet, my voice was still steady. I couldn't breathe, I had to look for my inhaler. My eyes rolled back behind my head. My heart was broken once again. My body lost its warmth. And my cheeks were moist. I hung up on purpose a couple of times. I didn't know what to say. Then we talked about it. Tried fixing it. It felt like we didn't even break up just another fight. But I was right, I don't want to get hurt again. I didn't want you to break my heart one more time. I couldn't handle it. Yet, I felt like an ass hole, because I told you i'd go through so much more just to be with you, just for you to stay. So, honest blog. I am here. I am willing to go through more. I can stand the fight. You are worth the fight. I'm not going to back down. I am going to stay with you. I want us to get better. Our promises are my goals. You are everything to me. I don't need anything from you, because I do truly love you. I want what I have. And I already have you. My mind is made up. You>The world. No one else. I'm positive. My mood ring is yours to change. I can smile now, I'm seriously happy. I'm ultra happy. And its because I have you. Treat me better, that what I asked. But I don't want anything else more. I love you Jansen.

Anyone Else.

Orange

Today, was a very fun day. it was basically a semi trojan olympics but it was within our academy grades. Sophomore we could of done better, our seniors were just too damn boss. Our Juniors, they killed at tug o war all men what do you expect. Seniors they were very aggressive. but in the end, we won with our dance. Yes our dance, though it wasn't on beat and yeah it was pretty messy but we were very organized, cute, different, and something no else expected. Especialy our "threats" that made them think we were cheering for them. i guess they weren't so smart. The day was wonderful, it made me smile and happy. I'm not so scared to go out there and break anymore, so stop pushing me in. I'll go when you least expect it. I love the dance, I love the beginning. it was not sexual, it was art. We kicked it up with forever, we added harmony to the girls, we got the Awww oh my goshes during the boys, we got the hey we did that last year from Kiss kiss, we got the i love yous on I love you, we got the OHHHH's in the A Millie, and in the end.... We got the cheers for our bboys, and I got the last break right on point, I got the " didn't know she could do that" & i love a bgirl hit. Breakdancing, I explain what it meant to me to Steven, and he realized how much I do love it. Bgirl, just watch i'm going to get better. When we got back, i was so tired. my feet hurt, my head was in pain, my stomach felt like it was eating myself. Fifth period, we had SSR, mr.bautista let us sleep, like i didn't sleep in the class in the first place, then after SSR he still let us continue to sleep to chill. 6th period, wasn't really anything, did some studying for chemistry realized that it is pretty easy and I can do it. Also, i got to eat in that class, especially eating Senora Romero's food. After school, just chilled at the tables, pictures, random pictures, then we went to go breakdance at the soccerfield. the other bboys came and my Bgirl, Maureen (mom). yeah still call her mom, so what. My inverts are getting better, My hollow? or holla or maureen's way HALO back, comes at chance. I made up a new one, though it is the "Allen Vu's" stunts. Backhandsprang, though we all tried doing it together, I was the only one that still is scared. I can back walk over and over again and not get a back handsprang.... Sad, but I'm going to get it. And Chris, bbyyy (= HAH, me and him are going to open a Salon together when we're older. Thats right.

All day missing you, though I did not text you as much as i always did. I was busy today, I was enjoying my time. Today, I realized I could be happy with or without you, but I really did miss you. My tears didn't fall today, but my heart did, and it sprang back up when you said "tuesday or wednesday". Praying that my high hopes don't crush me once more. I love you so much, I want to be with you more than anything in the world. I cannot wait to see you. I really want to be with you I really do. Its like what you said, life sucks because the one I love is just so far away. But... Life gets so much better as our limitations begin to fade. I miss you so much, I swear I would drive out just to see you. but thats pulling an "A-D". All day I've been thinking of the "plan" for friday. (= Hopefully it follows through. I think it will, my mom is clueless. And all she wants is for me to get out of the house, so I won't be alone. Luckily she's not so close to my other cousin. Its getting harder, as we keep this. I wish I could drive now. I love you Jansen. I know we may not be so close to eachother, but i know that in my heart, your never to far away. I know that we've only been together for a while.But now that we settled this and know what we want, forever is just around the corner. I don't want my family thinking its puppy love and oh you guys are just gonna end up breaking up. I know that we wont. I know that everyday, I'm here wishing you were with me, beside me. Everything thats left of me, everything that I am, I know that I'd put so much more effort to making you smile, to me shaping into the one you'll end up in the end. Its funny, I had these thoughts a long time ago. And I'm so happy... Its you. I know that we have many years, so many fishes, so many stars. But I want to spend my years with you, I only love a fish named jansen, and your my shooting star. The only star I see, and I know that we're going to be together in the end. Just stay with me.

I ♥ FS

I'm missing one thing.

The call ended because of your mom. But it was okay, we haven't gotten in a fight for a week already. And its been better, we've been better, we've gotten stronger. I've been happy. I know I may not show it so much, but only because I want you to be the one to see it. I've been in my room for hours everyday wondering when am I going to see you again. I'm here now, trying not to let these tears drop, but they won't freeze. Its so hard. Its so hard for us to be together. Life sucks in our words, because your so far away. Your the only thing that matters. The only thing that I want that matters. Everyday, calling you right when I wake up. And getting your morning calls. Everyday, texting you in a every period, just to tell you my destination. Everyday, talking to you on the phone when we know its not enough. Everyday, walking to each class wondering where you are right now. I've been through alot, been done and out with guys and I wish all the things I've done, I could just erase. But knowing that its all the mistakes that brought me here. That all the obstacles I had to go through just to be with you, it was all worth it. Knowing we had to go through hell and back just to be together, it was worth every tear shed. My family, my mom my sister, they haven't been at their best right now. My mom is slowly suffering through her boyfriend's mistakes. Through house problems. Money crap, and everything. I wish I could help, I try to help, I give her money now and then. I don't ask for anything. My sister, I'm so proud of her. She's doing better than I was when I was her age. She's growing taller and stronger than ever. I look up to her, though she is young. I know she's gonna be so much more . I'm happy with everyone in my life, I'm so blessed to have a great family, I'm lucky to have great friends. My love is given with everyone else's. But....Theres just one thing missing. The love of my life, Jansen. Everyday, knowing I could be with you. I probably could see your face everyday, I can be everything and so much more than what you tell me each day. Putting on a smile, knowing that I really wish you'd see it. I miss you. I miss being next to you. When I'm with you I feel like I'm always running out of time. Always feeling like, there's not enough time in the world. Having, planning, flaking, crying. Everything. Its hard to blog when your on the phone. So I gues i'm done for the night. goodnight.


I have your Jackets, I have your Keychain, I have your ID, I have your pictures, I have your heart, the only thing missing is you.

Oh Rats !

Woke up this morning, tried waking up i couldn't get up off of my bed. I reached for the light boy did it shine. I kept on telling myself in the next 2 minutes, five, ten that I'd get up. But unfortunately my body had a mind of its own =/ Well finally started getting ready around 6 thirty. All i did was get ready change and everything. So I ate while walking to mejor amigo, Richard's Casa. Got to school, listened to "My Dick" HAH. I swear i loved that song especially watching everyone laugh at me, love it. Then first period came, my boyfriend called me while I was talking to Ramzi, Ramzi he's a tall white cutie, the love of my life's boyfriend (= Michelle (Catch her on Myspace, she's my scenegirl). Well Texing Melanie, all day. I need to start reading the book I haven't even read the introduction i know. Well I'm here in Computer Apps. We have a sub, Ms. Edwards. I had a sub in 3rd period it was the bird lady with the hair? HAH, yeah I know hilarious. During third the dumb guys threw a rat next to my foot and i lke stepped on it and it squeaked so i screamed =/ Yeah I know, what I'm a girl.

All Day, I've been hearing that Homecoming Guest Passes are due tomorrow. And if thats the case, then I'm not going to homecoming. I'm not. I won't go with anyone else. I'll settle for my boys but really I just don't want to go with anyone else besides my boyfriend. I don't think its right, I know its just Homecoming. But its gonna be my first homecoming, and now I'm stressing over a day thats suppose to make my boyfriend happy to see his friends, and a day that I'm gonna get to finally spend with my boyfriend. It just sucks, I feel all like hot and on the hot seat. I'm so heated that I'm shaking.

Last night on aim we talked about how hard it is for us to be with eachother. Also believing we're strong enough to keep on being a long distance relationship. But its hard answering the questions oh why doesn't he visit you?-because he can't. Why can't you visit him?-because I can't, I don't drive. Why dont you guys talk anymore?-Because we're busy. How are you guys?-it depends. Its getting harder, as we get deeper. Next week, our one month. yet. I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to see you =/ I know I get to see you on the tenth, but its our anniversary? Who knows =/ I wish I can drive. It was hard talking to you about what it would be like if you went to my school or if I went to yours. Trying to hold back my tears, because I know that it could never happen. I can't be selfish and ask something like that, because I love you soo much to make you happy. And I know that I'm not theonly happiness you have. But I'm still here. Im still going to love you. And i'm still yours, forever. You telling me that you love me and its just you and I. I know that we're gonna be forever no matter what. I love you so much. I'd go out of my way just to be there for you if anything. I know its hard, I know it sucks. But we're still here. We're still together. And we know its going to stay that way. I love you Jansen,Only One.

If only.

Are you Okay?

Thats all I've been hearing lately, Are you Okay? Is it bad to lie? Lying to what, them or yourself? I seriously don't know if I'm okay, or if I'm even just okay. Give me a definition of okay, cuz I bet I'm way down under. My highest is as high as my knees. My smile its still there to have. My eyes still dry as the sahara desert, and my mind still in a rollercoaster of its own. I'm starting to seriously turn pale. Pale, from the top of my head, all the way down to my toes. Thats what I am from the outside. Think about how bad I feel from the inside. In the inside, I'm still laughing I'm still happy. Its just, I'm just sick. Well, thats my excuse or I haven't been feeling well, for me to deny to the question "Are you okay?" All I want to do is get better grades, have better days, start talking to people who are willing to listen. Maybe my voice is too soft for people to hear. I'm always talking, or well trying to yet no one listens. Maybe they don't see me open my mouth. Maybe nothing does come out. I think I am starting to really be quiet. Having those facial expressions, that just gives you a sense of how I'm feeling. Or always looking down and never looking up. Or not talking or answering anyone's quesitions. Pretending, acting like everything is okay. When everything is not..... I can't reaally say whats wrong, when I don't even know the answer myself. I know I'm doing this to myself, I know it is all my fault. But there is a reason why, and it may be a dumb reason to others but maybe its a dumb reason because my shoes are already filled with stress, tears, blood, and question marks. This purple room, where my computer lies, where my smile takes a 180 turn, where I can dress, undress. Where I can dance, eat, sleep, rest, think, stargaze, organize, being in motion. This purple room, starts to grow smaller and smaller. Where I remember in 6th grade, when I got bullied, hated on, picked on, talked about, all that bull.. where they made a screen name "erikalivesinabox" or something like that? I guess its starting to grow into that feeling. Honestly, I'm stuck.



I'm Okay.

No Backspacing

So computer apps is pretty a new revolution to carpool tunnel and some here and now finger cramps and cracking knuckles. Today, I forgot we had to dress up. Like I know how can I? Its Every Wednesday, it was funny too because everynight I lay out my clothes, or well trying to now. And yet I forgot dress up for Wednesday. Well its okay, every other week is fine with me. I've seen the give and takes from people, especially a particular. You know what, I don't understand what you want with me or want me to do. I can't keep on pretending that everything is okay when its not. Lookin at you, seeing how much I don't realy know you. Or realizing that its hard to even smile around you knowing if your thinking total bullshit about me. But, I keep trying, I keep smiling, I keep acting like everything is okay. Making things better for the best, for you, for me. Just so we can keep living in peace. Well First period, benchmark test it took me a while. I can't get it right the first time. Then 2nd period, Pardo. Mhmm all we did was watch a movie. Though Steven, like moved hella far from me I think he got mad at the fact he asked me something an I gave a hella bitch move. I know sorry, but it wasn't your business. It wasn't your right to just eavesdrop and try to get stuff from me like some vending machine. She's my bestfriend, and I wouldn't talk to you about her issues in life. Though I talk to them with Amery. Well its Amery, another strong independent woman I love to listen and vent to day by day. Life is full of smiles and giggles when I loook at her, a pure beauty. Well I swear I was getting Teary, I can't handle blood. I just can't. Not anymore, I hate the sights of pain. Especially with all the killing. I love horror videos ofcourse, but only because I love seeing my reaction taking all the suspense and blood. How hard it is for me to see someone killed =/ Yeah. Third period, I didn't fall asleep pretty easy. Macy, lifesaver she's helping me. F's, thats what I have, A's is what I am for. I guess my highest right now is just an A- with a B, and F's down the line. Dont ask. I don't or do not want to talk about it. Fourth period, simple. Thinking about friday, and next week. One month?? Already! I smile, yet I'm cock blocked cuz next week I'm gonna spend it with Caroline, my seestar. (= Well At least 10,11= PYT (=

Your phone died, its okay I still miss you. I hope your feeling better, hate the sound of you sick coughing and everything. But i love your voice, knowing that it is hard =/ Its hard keeping us strong and knowing at any time we can slip. But, I trust that You'll never want that. I love you Jansen, feel better babe.

Making Typos that you can't backspace.